hi im Jade, i was sent here by another angel mummy of SANDS website, firstly it is so sad that we have to greet like this and sorry for everyone's losses its the hardest thing in the world. Im 22 years old and am married an have a beautiful 3 year old whos in school right now (hes getting me through this little does he know). Back in september i found out i was pregnant and was sooooo happy he was very much planned and i was lucky to fall pregnant the first month that we were TTC. From the second i found out i had really really bad sickness i wont even say morning sickness because it was 24/7 it got so bad i couldn't eat or drink anything and would end up in hospital on a drip (this would happen 2 or 3 times a week up until i was 20weeks pregnant). I was sure i was having a girl as they say change of sex can make you really sick an i was only sick for the first few weeks in my first pregnancy. But this wasnt the case, on my 20 week scan we took our little excited 3year old along with us to be told hes getting a little brother! (my husband an son were sooooo excited as they wanted a boy really). We planned on naming him Adam as both loved this name since we were little, my son was named after his grandad but we always said if we had another boy we would name him Adam. The following weeks i would visit hospital a few more times due to the sickness an all the nurses said he must be so healthy as sickness was due to HCG levels or something!. My consultant then put me on ONDANSATRON which was used for cancer patients when they feel sick because nothing was working for me an they were worried that my sickness was never gonna subside!. They told me to take 3 a day i only took one every two days because i was worried about my baby (even though they kept saying many many pregnant women took it and were fine). I didnt smoke or drink or even drink coffee or energy drinks because i was terrified it would have some kind of effect on my baby. As days past i wasnt feeling my baby being as active as he normally was he used to have a certain time he would be at his most active like 10pm every night! an he hadnt been kicking me, i kept saying to myself im being daft hes being lazy. I googled it an i kept asking my mum an mother in law (who both have 4 healthy children each) an they said it was normal for him at this stage to be less active because he has less space to move around in. i also had an anterria placenta in this pregnancy so my midwife kept reminding me that me having an anterria placenta would cushion his movements. My husband is a terrible worrier an so am i so i really didnt want to go down to the hospital for them to say i was being silly! 29th Jan it just got too much i hadnt felt him in days an i knew something was wrong, i went in with my husband an they put the doppler on me to try to find his heart beat. The first machine she was just hearing my heart beat, i knew something was wrong i kept looking over at my husband who was shaking his head. She said she wanted to try a clearer machine because maybe this one was not as sensitive, i panicked i started shaking, they're going to come back in an tell me my babys gone i just knew it. Then the next machine didnt pick up his heart either, they got 2 consultants to do a scan an there it was my lovely little boy laying there i kept expecting to see him move around like he did in previous scans but he was still an they didnt even try to move the screen away from me!. Then she put her hand on my knee an she didnt even have to speak, i broke down an my husband held me for the next half an hour until i could stop shaking an get my head around the fact that our little boy was gone. I thought they would give me a csection an it would all be over but they wanted me to deliver him naturally ( i felt quite angry at this i had not only lost him but now i was going to have to deliver him in agony!). i agreed an was sent home with a tablet that was going to soften my cervix so i was able to deliver him the next day. All night i cried an held my bump my dead baby lay inside me i didnt want to deliver i wanted to keep him inside me even if he was gone i didnt want to let go... Next morning came an i thought maybe if i go sleep an i wake up it would be a dream but it wasnt.. At hospital they gave me another tablet an they wanted to check if i had dialated as i was having mini contractions in the night.. i was 1cm they said i needed to be at least 5 or 6 cm to push him out. Hours past an we discussed the funeral an if i wanted to hold my baby or if i wanted a memory box, i decided that i would have him an they take him out of the room dress him an bring him back to me. (sound like a coward but i couldnt take it i needed a few minutes to pull myself together). 13 hours later he was out..an there was silence i knew he was dead but i kind of expected him to be crying it sounds crazy that but i was thinking why isnt he crying. I closed my eyes i didnt see him coming out i caught my husband looking though! they took him out an a few minutes later he was brought back to me fully dressed in a tiny moses basket. At his gestation he should have been 500 grams although ive read some womans babies at 26 weeks have been less like 300 grams but my boy was 640 grams an i could see by his little thighs that he was going to be a big baby. (my first born was 7pound 9) i was shocked when i saw him he was purple an i didnt expect him to be i thought he would just look sleeping but they said he looked like he had been gone for a few days an that the cord was wrapped around his neck very tightly. i just dont understand why this has happened i did everything the way i was supposed to. So after two days of touching his hand an smelling him an kissing him it was time to let him gO. My husband arranged everything an i refused to go to the funeral, i just couldn't emotionally hack it, watching them putting him in a hole an me never being able to see him again. i said bye to him at the hospital an that was enough for me (many people may disagree but i still feel i did the right thing). I have a memory box an lots of pictures what i cherish, i have the clothes they dressed him in an his foot tag, foot prints an hand prints. has an eating WHY ME? is what i keep asking myself, but then i look on SANDS an this group page an i see im not alone...